Kerry Hamilton, CPCC

What Makes You, You?

“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take.”   —Joseph Campbell

Values

We learn our authentic leadership style by checking in with what we value most. This is a question that many of my clients have never asked themselves. What do you most value? Not, what family values were you taught by your mother and father. Not, what moral code do we in the Western world subscribe to or what laws do we uphold. The values question is deeper than that and far more personal.

What do you care about deeply?

What is non-negotiable?

What makes you, you?

When we start to discover what we value, we begin the process of identifying our authenticity, and can begin working with what we value to share that authenticity with the world.

You might begin by asking yourself, “What do I care about most in life?”

Sit with this question for ten minutes now...it is bound to matter.

Excerpt from: The Leadership River: Translating Vision into Action, by Kerry Hamilton

 

Running in Place

So often if we are struggling with something big at work, we think we need to change our job, our situation --that changing the situation will lead us to a context, a culture, which is better than where we were before.  Perhaps a better fit.

And upon making the change, do you find yourself running in place?  Running in the same place as before, struggling with the same basic issue?  I have run into this in my life and work.

When the same situation keeps showing up for me, I have learned (eventually) to see the situation as something that is meant to teach ME to look to myself for change.  Our behavior, actions, and perspectives – these are the only things we ultimately control.

Maybe it isn’t about changing the situation – at least at first.  The greatest potential for change lies within.  It is a great angle for discovering courage and power to create the change we want to see.

Yes, that.

 

The Knowing-Doing Gap

Jeffrey Pfeffer said it best in his book, The Knowing Doing Gap.

As leaders -- in our businesses, or communities, families -- most of the time we KNOW what to do.

The gap isn’t in the knowing.  It is in the DOING.  When we fail, often it is not because we don’t know – it is because we don’t do what we know is right to do. 

Time to close that gap!

 

People Don't Change

People don't change, unless they do.

How much status quo are we unintentionally supporting by accepting an old story?  By assuming a perspective that is not at all useful for what we actually want?

So I ask, 'Do I want to be right or do I want to get what I want?'

It's all a matter of perspective.

Polar Opposites

 

Ever notice those days when polar opposites keep showing up?  Yesterday was one of those. 

When I woke, the second floor of the house was humid.  By the time I arrived down to my kitchen for a cup of coffee, I was freezing and had to put a sweater on.  How is that possible, being both hot and cold, basically at the same time?

As the day wore on, I found I was hungry but not really for anything specific. 

I had a day with a lot of meetings scheduled, and not a lot of free time; yet I was able to produce work in-between everything else.  It was one of those rare days when I finished everything that I had hoped to finish before the day was through.

I felt quite clear, even though several of the things I was working on were still in the conceptual stage, and not clear at all.

It was light out here, but dark out halfway across the world.  Okay, maybe now I am stretching it a bit. 

But I do want to be clear about the point.  There is contrast in everything we do and experience, perhaps in every moment.  And I think our ability to hold the two polar opposites at the same time and accept them both is a healthy and substantial quality.

F Scott Fitzgerald is quoted as saying ‘the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.’

This may be so, that holding opposites is a sign of intelligence.  On the other hand, it may just be a sign of common sense.  Life deals us the polar opposites often enough.

It may just be good sense to become more competent in paying attention to that!

 

 

 

 

Polar Opposites

Ever notice those days when polar opposites keep showing up?  Friday was one of those for me.

When I woke, the second floor of the house was humid.  By the time I arrived down to my kitchen for a cup of coffee, I was freezing and had to put a sweater on.  How is that possible, being both hot and cold, basically at the same time?

As the day wore on, I found I was hungry but not really for anything specific.  

I had a day with a lot of meetings scheduled, and not a lot of free time, and yet I was able to produce a lot of work in-between everything else.  It was one of those rare days when I finished everything that I had hoped to finish by the time the day was through.

I felt quite clear, even though several of the things I was working on were still in the conceptual stage, and not clear at all.

It was light out here, but dark out halfway across the world.  Okay, maybe now I am stretching it a bit. 

But I do want to be clear about the point.  There is contrast in everything we do and experience, perhaps in every moment.  And I think our ability to hold the two polar opposites at the same time and accept them both is a healthy and substantial quality.

F Scott Fitzgerald is quoted as saying ‘the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.’

This may be so, that holding opposites is a sign of intelligence.  On the other hand, it may just be a sign of common sense.  Life deals us the polar opposites often enough.

It may just be good practice to become even more competent at living well in this world of opposites!

 

 

 

 

Difficult Conversations -- It's all about me!

Having a difficult conversation is just that, difficult.  Unless, we decide that this time it will be different.

What is the key to changing the dynamic in challenging conversations?

Here are a few steps that work for me:

1.  Begin a conversation:  I don't try to 'solve it all' in one meeting anymore.    What happens if I plan on just one conversation? I rush to complete the conversation, and in doing so, step over the other person's feelings and reactions.  I inhibit true conversation.  It is apparent that my agenda is all that matters -- to heck with the other guy. Conversations are meant to happen over time, back and forth.  Good communication isn't episodic.  It is continuous.

2.  Stop theorizing:  I now let go of all of the assumptions that have led up to needing the difficult conversation.  When I begin to develop theories on why people do what they do, or say what they do, I notice that it takes me down a path of weakness -- everything I have ever worried about becomes what I assign as the motitivation of the other person.  Really?  you say.  Yes, really.  When I find myself in 'theory mode,' I take stock of that, and then I shut the theories off.  And move back to a place of non-judgemental listening.

3.  Focus on 'what I want:'  In the book Crucial Conversations, a strategy is to Start with the Heart.  This one works for me particularly when I am in a tough spot.  Getting heart-centered, and determining what I want as the outcome for this conversation, ultimately.  When I get honest with myself, what I want is to get on the same page as that person, to develop a common purpose, to feel aligned.  Bottom line -- what I really want is a better relationship.  It isn't about getting my own way, not really.  It is generally about repairing something that feels broken.  When I get to what my motivation is, and it is pure, this is a place from which a meaningful conversation can truly emerge. 

4.  Be honest:  Take care to say what is true for you.  Over 70% of communication is non-verbal.  If what we are saying is not true, or we think we are hiding resentment, guess what -- the other person knows this -- in their bones.  Honesty is crucial.

5.  Be respectful:  Careful on the honesty front though.  Being respectful is so important too.  Brutal honesty is just that, brutal.  And it often isn't true either.  I find that if I am assigning a flaw to someone else, it is generally something I don't like in myself.  Wow, back to my own insecurities again.  See how circular this is?

The last step is the same as the first step.

6.  Begin.  Be clear with the other person that this is a beginning.  This is the beginning of an improved way of communicating and listening.  Ask the other person to join you in beginning again.

So, in summary, a few steps to contemplate in leading up to that difficult conversation.  Moving to a perspective of embracing that difficult conversation, knowing that if intentionally approached, what has been difficult up to this point may actually move to meaningful, purposeful communication that makes a difference. 

From difficult to making a difference.

Yeah, I'll go for that!

 

Danger -- Detour Ahead

Just off a weekend of mind-clearing and snow-shoeing.  Nothing else in mind but the placement of one large snow-shoed foot in front of the other (or sometimes to the side), on the snowpath leveled by the 'shoers' ahead of me on the trail.  What a wonderful way to clear the mind and soul!

Picking my way through email this morning I found a reference to a study conducted in 2007 which was summarized in this way:

“It takes 15 minutes to fully resume a serious mental task after answering an e-mail or IM.” Iqbal & Horvitz, 2007.

I didn't stop what I was doing at the time, but I did take the time to email it to myself (huh), so that later I could look a little more deeply into this intriguing piece of evidence.

Now it is later. I just looked up the study by Iqbal & Horvitz (googled it and of course the abstract is out there in its entirety).

The study corroborates a lot of recent brain reseach on multi-tasking. This also coincides with my experience, which is why I was attracted to the quote at the first -- I simply cannot do two things at once.  If I am trying to do two things at once, well, I am actually just switching back and forth.  If we are trying to do something that requires a high level of mental activity, according to the study, this distraction actually takes us so far afield that when we turn back to the original task it actually takes 15 minutes to ramp back up.

How many tasks do we leave undone due to the lure of email and IM?  How many of those 15 minute detours do we experience in one day?   And what if this desire to do more actually causes us to accomplish less?  It seems as if this may be the case.

What to do?  First off, perhaps, limit the use of email to periods of time during the day when you are not concentrating on work that requires high levels of mental acuity and concentration.  For many of us, this is easier said than done.

But perhaps being more conscious of the effects of this interruption, we will offer ourselves a day a week, or several mornings a week of work time that is uninterrupted by email -- whatever we can begin to carve out, to intentionally concentrate fully on important work.

Giving ourselves the gift of uninterrupted time is bound to benefit us.  To help with the completion of well-thought out work.  I imagine it will also lend a quality and a level of satisfaction to the work that is often missing when we are interrupted repeatedly.

Now, when I hear my 'you've got mail' chime, I intend to react differently, by not reacting at all.  I'll avoid that 'detour' and tune it out until I am ready to take a break, maintaining my reverence to the work at hand.

It brings a smile to my face, just thinking about what that will be like!

Destination Anywhere?

This photo is of a piece of the Berlin Wall on exhibit at the JFK Library -- a fitting metaphor for peace and non-violence on this day that we honor Dr. Martin Luther King.  I saw a wonderful Martin Luther King quote this morning; one that I hadn't seen before.  

'It really boils down to this: that all of life is interrelated.  We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny.' Martin Luther King

This quote led me straight to the Webster's to get clear on the root of the word destiny.  And that is where I came across 'destination;' a word traced to the back half of the 14th century, English.

Webster's defined destination in two ways;

1.  the place to which a person or thing travels or is sent

2.  the purpose for which something is destined

If I am going to opt in to the first definition, it MUST be about a place I travel to -- being sent feels like passively accepting whatever comes my way, and frankly, that is not in the spirit of this day.  Today seems a day of conviction and promise. 

The second definition, well I find this one rich.  Because it speaks to me of where we arrive when we hold our purpose intently -- we arrive at a place that is destined. 

Martin Luther King, his words, his ideas, and his way of communicating are all wonderful things to study if you love to study leadership, as I do.  Dr. King's leadership example is a remarkable example to follow, today and all days.

Pretty much everything I read these days supports Dr. King's conclusion.  Politics, Religion, Quantum Physics, Business, Economics.   You pick the subject or discipline.

We are all interrelated, all of us in a single garment of destiny.  It serves us to remember this often.

Viruses, Malware and Simplicity

 

Sunday afternoon I became aware of a virus that had infected my computer – it was showing up as a program called System Tool, and it was instructing me to buy it so that I could thwart the 38 viruses that were then infecting my computer.  Something didn’t seem legit.  Unable to focus on the issue at that moment due to an important birthday celebration in  my family, I shut down to avoid further havoc and left a note front and center on my desk to call my techie, George, first thing Monday morning to help me solve this nightmare.

The birthday celebration was wonderful.  Although I didn’t sleep well that night.  It could have been the amazing, and large meal that I had eaten.  More likely though, it was the haunting of the virus in the back of my mind, eating away at my files in my dreams.

First thing Monday morning, I began to decipher the issue.  System Tool was indeed a virus (masquerading as an anti-virus).  With lots of help, I found Malwarebytes Anti-Malware (free download) which isolated and removed over 40 threats, and restored my computer to its normal functioning.

Several hours later, and now logging onto to my computer to ‘begin’ my work day.  It threw the day off completely.  This virus had stolen several of the most productive hours of my day.

Time to re-assess.  Because, that is all we can do when our day has delivered a surprise, a one hundred and eighty degree turn.

No choice but to step back and fiercely determine the priorities for the day.  What absolutely must get done.  What is critical Monday work?

It did take a little while, but not that long.  What DID become clear to me was that there were three things that I needed to focus on and complete, prior to leaving my office later in the day for outside meetings.

Once clear, I focused on these three simple things.  Everything else came off the list.

Once clear, I moved through these three things swiftly and decidedly.

Made me kind-of wonder what the other stuff was doing on the list, anyway. The gift of a virus delivering razor sharp focus for a Monday.

Ah, sweet simplicity packaged as a rogue virus.

“A little simplification would be the first step toward rational living, I think.’ (Eleanor Roosevelt)