On Apology

I am reading a very wonderful book by Aaron Lazare, MD called On Apology.  I am not sure where I heard about this book, but as soon as I saw the title, my curiosity was peaked.  Unlike many other books I've read about, this one didn't end up on the Someday Reading List.  I ordered this book right away.

Dr. Lazare very eloquently takes the reader through the steps of an effective apology.  I don't recall ever being taught this -- certainly not in so effective a way.

His chapter titles captured my imagination right away.

Why People Apologize

Why People Do Not Apologize

How Apologies Heal

Apology and Forgiveness

Delayed Apologies

Apology doesn't come easily to many of us.  It certainly doesn't come easily to me.  And I know that if I think I owe an apology, even if I don't know why, it is likely to bother me, even if only a little, even if only in the background. 

Dr. Lazare talks about steps to an effective apology.

1.  Acknowledging the offense.

2.  Accepting responsibility for the offense.

3.  Recognizing the violation of the social contract and the harm.

4.  Showing remorse, humility and sincerity.

5.  Offering explanations for the act.

6.  Offering reparations.

If following these steps, the wronged person and the relationship can be restored.  The wronged individual or group feels respected again, feels safe, experiences restitution, is back in meaningful dialogue again with the offender. The breach can be healed.

So, an example.  I borrow a friend's camera to take some pictures of a family event.  I accidently knock it off the kitchen table, and I can't get it to work properly.  My friend is upset.  It was her favorite camera.

The ineffective apology:  "If I broke you camera I am sorry, but I had a lot on my mind and I didn't see it. You have another camera, I know, so you'll be able to use that one.  I'll pay you to fix it, if you want me to,"  Then I wait for my friends move.

The effective apology.  "I broke your camera.  It was very careless of me to leave it in a place where it could be knocked over.  You lent me something that is very valuable and I didn't take care of it.   I am sorry.  I would like to get the camera fixed for you.  What is your preference for who repairs the camera.  I will take it there, and have it fixed as soon as possible."

Well, perhaps a little weighty, but you get the idea.  So often when we apologize our heart is just not in it.  And as a result, we avoid taking full responsibility, we try to avoid embarassment.  And the apology does just the opposite of what we intended.  An ineffective apology often makes the offended person even angrier.

Next time you owe an apology, think through these steps above.  It feels good to be forthright, and clear about responsibility.

So, okay, I didn't break my friend's camera.  But I have found myself in the position of apologizing (more than once) since I started this book, and I have to say, I am finding that I am getting a little better at it, bit by bit.