Having a difficult conversation is just that, difficult. Unless, we decide that this time it will be different.
What is the key to changing the dynamic in challenging conversations?
Here are a few steps that work for me:
1. Begin a conversation: I don't try to 'solve it all' in one meeting anymore. What happens if I plan on just one conversation? I rush to complete the conversation, and in doing so, step over the other person's feelings and reactions. I inhibit true conversation. It is apparent that my agenda is all that matters -- to heck with the other guy. Conversations are meant to happen over time, back and forth. Good communication isn't episodic. It is continuous.
2. Stop theorizing: I now let go of all of the assumptions that have led up to needing the difficult conversation. When I begin to develop theories on why people do what they do, or say what they do, I notice that it takes me down a path of weakness -- everything I have ever worried about becomes what I assign as the motitivation of the other person. Really? you say. Yes, really. When I find myself in 'theory mode,' I take stock of that, and then I shut the theories off. And move back to a place of non-judgemental listening.
3. Focus on 'what I want:' In the book Crucial Conversations, a strategy is to Start with the Heart. This one works for me particularly when I am in a tough spot. Getting heart-centered, and determining what I want as the outcome for this conversation, ultimately. When I get honest with myself, what I want is to get on the same page as that person, to develop a common purpose, to feel aligned. Bottom line -- what I really want is a better relationship. It isn't about getting my own way, not really. It is generally about repairing something that feels broken. When I get to what my motivation is, and it is pure, this is a place from which a meaningful conversation can truly emerge.
4. Be honest: Take care to say what is true for you. Over 70% of communication is non-verbal. If what we are saying is not true, or we think we are hiding resentment, guess what -- the other person knows this -- in their bones. Honesty is crucial.
5. Be respectful: Careful on the honesty front though. Being respectful is so important too. Brutal honesty is just that, brutal. And it often isn't true either. I find that if I am assigning a flaw to someone else, it is generally something I don't like in myself. Wow, back to my own insecurities again. See how circular this is?
The last step is the same as the first step.
6. Begin. Be clear with the other person that this is a beginning. This is the beginning of an improved way of communicating and listening. Ask the other person to join you in beginning again.
So, in summary, a few steps to contemplate in leading up to that difficult conversation. Moving to a perspective of embracing that difficult conversation, knowing that if intentionally approached, what has been difficult up to this point may actually move to meaningful, purposeful communication that makes a difference.
From difficult to making a difference.
Yeah, I'll go for that!
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